just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
