At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
