I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
