I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
