through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she peed on how many people?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
