Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
