No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
