living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
