have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
