I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
