I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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