the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
