i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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