so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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