i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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