I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
