I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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