Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
