his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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