I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
