Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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