the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
