i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize