I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
