i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
