Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize