fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
