I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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