Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
we're making bets on your personal life
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
