Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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