I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
This house was built for laser tag.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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