There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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