remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize