i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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