I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
