Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
