If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
