So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
