The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Your dad touched me again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
