Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
