How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
