The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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