lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
