I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
