When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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