After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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