I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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