I will die if light touches me.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
