Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
