No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
