If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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