I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
me + whiskey = a bad person
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
