she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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