Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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