Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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